So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
