Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
