Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
