She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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