Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
