Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
you win again, gameday.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
