I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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