Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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