I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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