do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
