i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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