i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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