I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My bed smells like the plague
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
