i wish my penis had a tongue
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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