12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
