Already got asked if we're dating
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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