So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
