I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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