im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
