Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
