Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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