i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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