His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
40s are totally the cure
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
