You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
