when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
