i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
