Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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