the condom got lost in my hair
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just forgot I was standing up.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
