I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
