I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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