he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
