one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I think my moral compass just broke
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
