First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
