The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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