It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
