bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
