i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
