The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I deserve this hangover.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
