in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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