FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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