they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
