Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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