I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
