moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
