lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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