Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
