Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
