my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
there is glitter all over my balls
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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