I think I died a long time ago.
I could make wine with my vomit
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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