no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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